We may seem very confident, wordy, intelligent and with solutions to every problem but when it comes to matters of the heart, we are vulnerable, weak and needy.
During the summer break, I bumped into an amazing person who spoke my heart out. The most random conversation we had was on Health Economics, little did he know that it was my area of specialization and him a medic in the making. A very witty dialogue ensued on the probability of the government achieving universal health coverage. I was smitten. I knew I was ready to talk to him again and again. Whether on weather, nuclear effects in Chernobyl or matters Christianity. Especially the latter.
We met on a daily with Larry (not his real name) and nature was kinda on the wheel. He oozed so much care tenderly and I was swept off. In a fortnight, we were at a place of major decisions. Too soon, too unbelievable, too inexplicable.
I wasn’t ready to be a girlfriend yet, and I was afraid to hurt his feelings. I liked him, I strung him along, I enjoyed his company and enjoyed talking to him but I knew that I was not ready. Wasn’t ready to commit. I kinda still needed space to grow and discover myself and I wouldn’t do in such a scenario.
I needed to meet new people, interact with different circles, discover different ways of life and find a serene place for prayer. I was raised by a mother whose prayers were answered and I must have taken after her. I knew that if I was to eventually marry someone, it would be someone whose prayers worked magic. Someone I could confidently put at task to pray when my mind was clouded and crowded.
How could I tell Larry all these yet he was happy?
‘What is meant to be, will be’. I walked away. Uncertain to ever come across such honesty, but well aware that what was meant to be, would be.
I am sorry Larry.